I decided that I’m going to take an indefinite hiatus on blogging. My reason? It’s complicated to say the least.
One moment I felt as though I was at the peak of my success- typing furiously to the point where my fingers would feel numb, but I didn’t care. I would imagine it’s the sort of bliss an artist feels, when they complete their ceramic sculpture. The planning-weeks, perhaps months of excruciatingly meticulous work, unsure of whether or not the piece will be (in their definition): “perfect”. I was, and still am proud of what I had accomplished, albeit the layout, slightly juvenile and amateurish, it was a dream I’ve put on the back-burner for years, but would continue to pursue..until now. To tell you that it doesn’t hurt to say “goodbye” would be a blatant lie. It’s more or less like the ceramic sculpture that had taken over a month to finish has exploded,in the kiln, and what remains are now insignificant tile-like pieces.
It sounds generic and sappy, right?
I mean, let’s be honest here, how many of us can definitely say “goodbye” without looking back? The most difficult part about saying goodbye isn’t really just “saying goodbye”, but rather turning the other direction without glancing over your shoulder. It’s the sort of like when people often refer to life as a “one-way” road. You mustn’t look, back, because you have to go onwards. This sort of goodbye for me, leaves a chronic, prickling sort of pain- this particular kind of pain is a combination of anguish, anxiety and regret that takes a long time to heal. I feel this pain gnawing at me, because more than anything, I wish could change everything, but since that’s impossible, I end up dwelling on the past.
Why am I saying goodbye?
Probably the main reason for why I’m saying goodbye, is because as stupid as this may sound, I guess I’m a “petty attention whore” considering the fact that the blog was kinda created for that, ranting, and makeup…lol. I know that people don’t take me seriously, I know that I am nothing- perhaps as insignificant a a drop of water, but despite the adversary, I attempted to strive on. . . until I discovered that my personal thoughts would be relayed and used against me, just because they can. To be fair, it was their stubby Vienna sausage fingers that clicked on the link, but the fact that I would be laughed at by the people who told me they read my blog, and to grin from ear to ear was what really got me. (And no-it’s not any of the active subscribers, whom I thank and appreciate 100%. ) I guess…I was never really that great to begin with haha, but that’s perfectly alright. My writing is mediocre, and the photography is above-average at best. And..often times I’ve hit a stalemate when it came to blogging, because of the lack of influence I had. Don’t get me wrong, I created this blog out of pure hobby, not to make money, or sell products, or sort of nonsense, but I felt frustrated often times, disappearing for weeks, to several months.
Among misc, reasons, I’m doing poorly in school due to stress, and I feel like “why bother”? Especially in my worst class, Spanish. Over half of the class are AP, overachieving , pretentious teeny boppers fresh out of middle school, and they’re kicking my ass in Spanish. I feel like the biggest dumbass in the classroom. . . and there really isn’t much to say, because there is so much work piled on, and I have 6 other classes so..it’s whatever. I knew that Junior and Senior year was the pivotal point for bringing up my GPA. I started off strong, but nearing the end of the year, I feel as though I’m not going to make it. . . . I’m not going to touch more on that topic. :c
For all my subscribers and fateful readers who stumbled on this blog, I thank you so much. I couldn’t have imagined running my own blog, much less with so many faithful readers that it brings a smile to my face, and I’m so sorry that I have to leave…but it isn’t a “definite” goodbye. I promise that I will come on from time to time to improve navigation, and the overall bugs.
Thank you, and God Bless, Antoinette.