Well..and then what?

Hiya Sweeties!  graphics-kawaii-302605I’m sorry for the past few posts that have been depressing, but hey, that’s life, right? Actually no…but anyways, I thought I’d share one of my more personal issues, that have been bothering me ever since the incident..

I have mentioned before that I am an introvert, but not necessarily because I don’t like being around other people, it’s rather the fact that I find it difficult to be around other people. I’m not really the type to initiate a date, or location. Also, I hate many of the stores, and shopping areas that are nearby my house, because I’m picky as hell, (albeit its still fun to window-shop regardless) I barely hang out with friends, go to the movies, or do anything. I’m slouched on my bed browsing the web, more often than not. Even given the chance to go to the mall or something, I usually walk alone. It’s Ironic, because I never cared for walking by myself to the mall. I enjoyed the loneliness, but what really began to realize that I was missing out on the opportunity to create a memory with other people. (Trust me, going to the same mall every other week is almost formulaic) :/

However, the situation was not the fact that I was going to the mall alone….rather that I went to the mall with someone….a male . _ .

Around 6pm a friend of mind in the neighborhood knocked on my door inviting me to walk to the mall with him. Granted, I spent approximately 2 hours there on that Saturday, afternoon I really wasn’t that apprehensive to the offer, since I had nothing better else to do, but marathon Ghost Adventures. My mom was home at the time, and she was apprehensive about me going out, because she thought that I was “dating him”, because y’know he’s black…that’s the only thing we have in common. After pleading with her, she reluctantly allowed us to go, because the sun hadn’t started setting yet anyways. As we were walking down the road, I see my mom coming up behind me, and then making a U-turn at the end of the street. I was beyond embarrassed. For once in my life, I actually felt tight chains coiling around my body. For the very first time…I felt constrained. It wasn’t a coincidence, since the only social events that I were permitted to go to were “Life Night”- some shitty Catholic meeting in preparation for Confirmation, or even Sports Teams, but I hate sports so that’s not really an option. I hurried home, and I was bombarded with uncomfortable questions:

Mom: What did you guys talk about?

Me: …Nothing…..just about candy

Mom: You’re going to marry a man from “home”

Me: “……”

Mom: But Tyrell is a nice boy, I could hook him up with a woman from “home” as well.

Me: “……….”

When she said “home”, she references her home country, which is in Africa, and my heart sank. During the last few weeks. I felt that my life had already been predetermined: become a nurse, get married to a man in Africa, and it’s as simple as that. I felt so emotionless, empty, and really I didn’t put forth much effort into school, or personal projects. I didn’t really mention this to anyone, because what exactly can they do? My life. My problem.  I wanted to travel, I wanted to explore new things, I don’t want to live my life treading on a narrow road, I wanted to see what the world offers, and “fall in love” on my own terms. Why does it have to be an African male, much less a black guy > _ >

I guess I’ll just hold out longer until I’m 18…meh.


I need to vent

Hi you guys! Long time no see! Sorry I have been so busy with exams, and I wished that I had more time on here. Anyways, today I wanted to get something off of my chest that’s been bothering me for a while.

This past Sunday I had the pleasure of attending my meeting for Confirmation preparation, and that night we were celebrating reconciliation. For any of you guys, who are not Catholic, reconciliation is basically where you go and confess your sins to a priest in the hope of penance-forgiveness. My initial thought was that I was going to enter the reconciliation room, and rather, brazenly boast about the sins I have committed, because I simply wasn’t sorry-most of the time. However, I got a much different surprise.

While I entered the booth, the priest blessed me, and as I began to confess all the sins I’ve committed ( this past week, lol) I became more solemn, and surprisingly…regretful.  I told him about the time I used to steal when I was 11, although I don’t do it anymore. It was petty things such as candy, girls’ jewelry and drugstore makeup. And that it’s not the case that I enjoyed stealing, or couldn’t control myself, it was rather that as long as I was able to justify that as long as I’m receiving some sort of benefit, it was O.K. Plus, it was more or less the convenience of obtaining whatever I wanted without having to pay ( albeit I didn’t suffer from  financial issues during the time).  He was rather stunned by my declaration of ” I’m not that sorry for my sins”  and I, myself was stunned, because it was as if I was boasting. He and I both knew that no one is self-entitled to someone else’s property actually let me rephrase this, I have the capacity to know what is right and what is wrong.

The second “sin” was more of less…. guilt. I won’t delve into the exact details, but long story short, my friend ( whom I truly do care about ) stole another girl’s man… once again, the Priest was “unpleasantly” surprised. I admitted that it wasn’t that I condoned her actions, it was rather the guilt that welded in me witnessing my friend (not just a random slut at school) having an affair with a guy she met a little over a month, and that particular type of “person” is whom I abhor. I couldn’t just tell her off,  coldly branding her a man-stealing bitch, because, well for one, I didn’t know her then boyfriend’s girlfriend, and two, she is my friend and I do care about her feelings, but to sit in art class and watch(ed) her bash his then girlfriend on Instagram, it’s just wrong. The priest, very candid said to rather ” leave it to God” or rather, we casually call this term: ” Karma”. It actually made genuine sense to me. Placing the situation in a different perspective, he said that it’s not so much about what you say, it’s more about the wisdom to say what you want at the appropriate time. I didn’t want to trash her, and make her feel like a whore ( although she once admitted she felt like a slut), the problem was that she was trying to justify her actions, because she let her feelings overwhelm her rationale. It’s one of those things that reiterate the famous quote: ” What comes around, goes around”, hence it’s stood against the test of time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, although I’ve never branded myself as ” holier than thou” I am subtly egotistical or prideful. and for a while, and confessing really opened up a new door for me. Nobody’s perfect and there is always room for improvement

~ Annie