Hiya Sweeties! I’m sorry for the past few posts that have been depressing, but hey, that’s life, right? Actually no…but anyways, I thought I’d share one of my more personal issues, that have been bothering me ever since the incident..
I have mentioned before that I am an introvert, but not necessarily because I don’t like being around other people, it’s rather the fact that I find it difficult to be around other people. I’m not really the type to initiate a date, or location. Also, I hate many of the stores, and shopping areas that are nearby my house, because I’m picky as hell, (albeit its still fun to window-shop regardless) I barely hang out with friends, go to the movies, or do anything. I’m slouched on my bed browsing the web, more often than not. Even given the chance to go to the mall or something, I usually walk alone. It’s Ironic, because I never cared for walking by myself to the mall. I enjoyed the loneliness, but what really began to realize that I was missing out on the opportunity to create a memory with other people. (Trust me, going to the same mall every other week is almost formulaic)
However, the situation was not the fact that I was going to the mall alone….rather that I went to the mall with someone….a male . _ .
Around 6pm a friend of mind in the neighborhood knocked on my door inviting me to walk to the mall with him. Granted, I spent approximately 2 hours there on that Saturday, afternoon I really wasn’t that apprehensive to the offer, since I had nothing better else to do, but marathon Ghost Adventures. My mom was home at the time, and she was apprehensive about me going out, because she thought that I was “dating him”, because y’know he’s black…that’s the only thing we have in common. After pleading with her, she reluctantly allowed us to go, because the sun hadn’t started setting yet anyways. As we were walking down the road, I see my mom coming up behind me, and then making a U-turn at the end of the street. I was beyond embarrassed. For once in my life, I actually felt tight chains coiling around my body. For the very first time…I felt constrained. It wasn’t a coincidence, since the only social events that I were permitted to go to were “Life Night”- some shitty Catholic meeting in preparation for Confirmation, or even Sports Teams, but I hate sports so that’s not really an option. I hurried home, and I was bombarded with uncomfortable questions:
Mom: What did you guys talk about?
Me: …Nothing…..just about candy
Mom: You’re going to marry a man from “home”
Mom: But Tyrell is a nice boy, I could hook him up with a woman from “home” as well.
When she said “home”, she references her home country, which is in Africa, and my heart sank. During the last few weeks. I felt that my life had already been predetermined: become a nurse, get married to a man in Africa, and it’s as simple as that. I felt so emotionless, empty, and really I didn’t put forth much effort into school, or personal projects. I didn’t really mention this to anyone, because what exactly can they do? My life. My problem. I wanted to travel, I wanted to explore new things, I don’t want to live my life treading on a narrow road, I wanted to see what the world offers, and “fall in love” on my own terms. Why does it have to be an African male, much less a black guy > _ >
I guess I’ll just hold out longer until I’m 18…meh.